F.A.Q.s

How did I become a spanko?

No one has figured out the answer to that, yet! There are many hypotheses, though none have been validated. There are markers of being a spanko, listed below, which appear to apply only to us. The bottom line, however, is that there are many possibilities as to why you are the way you are; what matters most is what you do about it.

Why do I keep wanting more of this?

There are different answers based on what you uniquely get out of spanking. Your interest might be sexual or it might be disciplinary or it may be entirely playful. Generally speaking, however, this is a safe answer:

The act of spanking (whether giving or receving) gives spankos an influx of feel-good hormones, specifcally oxytocin (the hormone responsible for the feeling of intimacy and love), and dopamine (pleasure). In addition, spanking gives spankos an environment in which to be vulnerable with someone they trust, which is a bonding activity.

More specifically, for spankees, there is also the rush of endorphins, which is what the body releases in response to feeling pain and can give you a feeling described as a high.

Is there something wrong with me for wanting this so much?

On the contrary, you have something which allows you to uniquely face a number of life's challenges. Spanking can be used as a tool for a myriad of things, ranging from goal accountability to stress relief to more enjoyable sex or just clearing the air, which is something vanilla people do not have access to. There are some circumstances in which a person is a spanko as a coping mechanism for abuse, but that is the exception, not the rule. The thing which ultimately judges our interests is how we use them, not what produced them.

Is it possible to get in trouble for being involved in a consensual spanking?

Yes. Most laws do not account for consent, so spanking activity between adults can be classified as assult and prosecuted as such if charges are pressed. If you plan on sharing your spanking experiences online, you risk prosecution for any pornographic laws which may apply. Check with the laws which apply to your jurisdiction to determine more.

As a sidenote: the possibility of being charged is yet another reason to make sure you are playing with only trustworthy partners. As soon as you play with someone, you give them the power to potentially prosecute you.

How many other people are like this?

That's impossible to know because spankos generally keep themselves "closeted". Based on the number of spanko blogs, videos, stories, etc., however, they are numerous. You are hardly alone.

Who should I talk to about this?

It depends on the issue you're having.

If you're having trouble being "okay" with being a spanko, the first person you need to talk to is yourself. If you continue to have problems, it's a good idea to reach out to other spankos and ask how they reconcile being a spanko with the rest of who they are.

If your issue is having insufficient experience / know-how with the mechanics of a spanking or the dynamics of a spanko relationship, it's best to find others to observe and learn from.

What are good things to look for in a spanking partner?

This question is actually very simple to answer, as it requires only three things:

If the answer to all three is "yes", then you've probably found yourself a good partner. If the answer to any of those questions is "no", then things are unlikely to turn out well.

How can I get my current partner to become my spanking partner?

In short: if they're not a spanko, you probably can't.

To give and/or receive spankings, a person must be motivated by their own interests to do so. Any spankings that are altruistically given or received tend to have a short life in a relationship.

If, at the very least, you want your partner to know about this side of you, a good place to start is with informative sites like these which can show your partner that you are not alone in your interest and that your interest doesn't make you unhealthy.

What should I expect from a spanking? What are some good practices for making sure it goes well?

If you're the spanker

There are a few things to be aware of that may or may not happen:

For yourself

  • Your arm will get tired, especially during your first few spankings. It's important to find a comfortable pace during a spanking.
  • If you're using your hand, remember that your hand is sustaining as much impact as the spankee's bottom is. Keep your joints flexible (try to never spank with a fully rigid hand, wrist, or arm) and practice slightly cupping your hand to minimize the impact against your palm.
  • If you're using an implement, your palm may become sweaty and therefore slippery. Make sure to interrupt the spanking in some way if that happens (stopping to rub the spankee's bottom is often a good choice) until you can again maintain a good grip on your implement.
  • If you are using a lengthy implement, you risk accidentally hitting yourself while swinging it. It's good practice to wear thicker clothing while giving that kind of spanking, if you can.
  • You may become physically aroused even if you don't feel aroused. For men: If this is embarrassing for you or feels inappropriate, you can have the spankee lay over a pillow you've placed on your lap.
  • You may get caught up in what you're doing. Remember to intentionally and actively note your spankee's responses so that you don't go overboard.

From your spankee

  • Every spankee has a different set of reactions to a spanking, based on a variety of factors:
    • Their relationship with the spanker
    • Their mindset going into the spanking
    • The kind of spanking it is (Punishment, Fun, Maintenance, etc.)
    • Variables the two of you may never be able to identify
  • Different bottoms mark differently. Some may only pinken from a hard spanking, while others may deeply redden and even bruise from a mild spanking.
  • A spankee's skin often adapts to spanking, over time. Don't be disheartened if you see this happen. Your spankings still feel the same, to the spankee.
  • A spankee's endurance during a spanking is greatly based on how consistent the spanking's intensity is; you can give a much longer spanking if your technique isn't erratic. A spankee's endurance is also based on the quality of pauses you might take to rub their bottom throughout the spanking.

If you're the spankee

There are a few things to be aware of:

A number of spankos have graciously submitted vignettes of their first spanking experience for new spankees to learn from. They are available here.

What, exactly, is consent and how can I be sure that it's valid?

Consent is the agreement of a person to engage in a negotiated action. It (usually) takes one of two forms:Consent must be allowed to be withdrawn at any time for any reason and is the *only* thing which makes a spanking ethically allowable.

Indications that you do not have consent, even if you think you do:

If any of the above apply to your situation, you do not have consent and you must not engage them in spanking activity.

I think this would be really good for my friend. How can I bring it up to him/her?

First, make sure that this is something you feel your friend would want by their standards, not yours. Spanking is only beneficial to someone when they already want it and get to freely choose who they indulge that with. Therefore, make sure that you feel they would be interested in it, not simply "in need" of it.

If you feel certain that they would be interested, it helps to have resources to show them that this isn't something that just applies to you. Try to find resources which show them that spanking exists in many relationships in a healthy, consensual manner. After demonstrating the existence of it, follow up with an explanation of how it works for you and/or your relationship.

Make sure that you aren't pushing them into making your choices. The best thing you can do is show them that there are options and then let them decide if any of those options are for them or not.

Is this abusive?

That depends on two things:So long as the answer to both questions is "yes", it is not at all abusive.

Important note: Consent *must* be completely voluntary from each person involved. Levels of authority ("I'm the Dom", "I'm the parent"), perceived deservedness ("They really need a spanking"), and/or psychological coercion ("You will continue doing things that hurt yourself and/or others unless you get spanked") are all invalid and probably abusive justifications for spanking.

Can two people be in a spanking "relationship" without it being sexual?

Absolutely. There are many ways to introduce spanking into almost any kind of functional relationship (friendship, D/s partner, romantic partner, etc).

TL;DR. When can I start spanking/getting spanked?!

You have to wait until you're at least the legal age of consent in your jurisdiction. It sucks to have to wait, and we've all been there, but it's important to wait. Not only will you develop the necessary wisdom to identify a responsible spanking partner while you wait, but you will also prevent putting yourself and/or your partner at legal risk for having not waited.

If you're already of legal age, then you first need to go over the basics and learn as much as you can from any respectable source before you start doing this "for real". Spanking is inherently risky, both physically and emotionally. Learn first. Do second.